I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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