Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
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