I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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