So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
