Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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