So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
