it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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