Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
