My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
