Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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