im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
