then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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