if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
