New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just had sex on a roof
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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