I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
