She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
