My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
be right there i have to get my cape
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
