Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
