i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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