just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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