I cannot find my penis.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
