If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
