i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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