The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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