This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
birth control should be required to get into college
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
