Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
