listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
