It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
