we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
