I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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