I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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