She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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