Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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