Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
