Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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