If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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