I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
