the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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