I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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