Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
