in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
