Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
