I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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