3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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