I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
