I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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