It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
