At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Girls should come with a carfax report
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
