I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
