Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Randomize
