she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
