Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
